As you all know I have been on a journey of recovery. It has been hard work. I have good days and bad days, and lately there have been more and more good days. Along the way I am developing systems to help me learn to live with my new normal which is still evolving.
Well today was not a good day. I was found myself in a situation with my main trigger right in front of me. The universe is a bitch at times. There I was in my car with a scene of devastation and destruction in front of me.
Heart racing. Dry Mouth. Nausea. Absolute Fear. Can’t Catch my Breath. Shaking. Frozen in one spot.
All these feelings and emotions happen in rapid fire all at once. I know the signs, I know the symptoms. I have no control I just have to remember to breathe in, breathe out and repeat.
Yes I was triggered, we have been working on this, am I ready I don’t know and I don’t have time to work it out because here it is, all the sounds smells and emotions of scenes like this.
WTF seriously why did I have to be here right now. I remember, I can choose here. I can keep driving, plenty of other people are doing that. No one knows me. I have no expectations here and no reason to stop. I am not in uniform I am me in my car. Can I do this. Just breathe in and breathe out and repeat. I can see what the outcome is. I know what I will be looking at. I know nothing will change the outcome. There are people there I can’t help but there are also people I can help.
Frozen in my seat, I just need to open my door and take the first step. I have instincts and years of training and I have to have faith that they will kick in.
Well, yes the training and instincts kicked in. The mantra “don’t look at what you don’t have to” repeated over and over and that is what I did. I live by the mantra “You make choices, but your choices make you”. Fear can control my life or I can choose to face my fear. One step forward at a time. Breathe in and breath out. Just keep repeating. I have the tools now to help deal with the triggers so just get through this and use them.
You never know what people are dealing with inside their minds and behind closed doors. Starting my recovery journey I knew I had a choice to make. I wanted to stay home curl up and just be safe in my bubble. Risk management my brain kept saying. How can we all stay safe? This is not how I want to live. I choose to not only survive but I choose to fight to thrive. Part of my surviving has to be starting to talk about what I am doing. Someone else may be sitting at home trapped in their bubble not able to find their way out. People need to know that it is ok to not be ok. If someone like me can learn to put their hand up and ask for help, then anyone can. Who knows, maybe the tools I use to help me cope with my triggers, symptoms and feelings may be able to help someone else take that first step and open the front door.
So let’s talk tools.
Therapy. Find a method of therapy that works for you. I don’t do feelings so I am not going to sit there on a couch for an hour and talk feelings. I go with science every time. Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) and cognitive therapy have been my saviour. Todays incident is the proof I need that I need to keep working with this. If you want it to work you have to do the work.
Support Network. You need people you trust around you. You need people behind you to catch you when you fall, you need people beside you to hold you steady over the rocky ground and you need people in front of you who will light the way when you get lost. A part of this journey for me has been releasing the friendships that were doing me harm. It is hard to actually sit and look at some of your relationships and realise, this shouldn’t be this hard. I am the one that needs help at the moment and sometimes some people don’t cope with that. People are fickle and often their words can be harmful. It has been important that I just let it go. I need to focus on me rather than waste energy dealing with their crap. In not so polite terms I have learnt to fill my “fuck it” bucket and set it on fire. When I found Doterra I didn’t realise that with it would come a group of women who are inspiring, encouraging, like minded and just there to support one another with no expectations. With them I have found new connections and managed to improve and increase my support network.
Essential Oils. Who knew the power that these little bottles have. They are not cure, however they affect you on a physical and emotional level. They help me to cope with the triggers, with the symptoms with my new normal. They have played a major role in my recovery and I am forever grateful that they are in my life. Here is a small snippet of what I use
Frankincense and Copaiba daily. 1-2 drops under the tongue morning and night and as needed.
Balance every day all day long. On the wrists and feet morning and night just like Dr Hill recommends.
Arborvitae – from the heart of the tree of life this oil keeps me grounded every day. It is my calming centre. Applied straight onto the wrists and carried in my pocket every where. When I need to focus and concentrate and just stop and breathe this is the oil for me.
EasyAir and Ice Blue – this combination together reminds me to just breathe and surrender to the pain and emotions. It is ok to not be ok. Just breathe in and breathe out and repeat.
Forgive – stress and emotions this is the oil for you. Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to feel. We feel guilty for not being ok and not coping. As a mum this is often a big issue. To put ourselves first is not in our nature. Its time to forgive ourselves
Lavender Peace, Balance, Vetiver, Arborvitae, Forgive and a little bit of easy air. – this is my STOP, ROLL and BREATHE blend. Diluted in a roller ball. When all those feeling and emotions are becoming too much, that fear is creeping in, just stop, roll and breathe and let the oils do their job.
Melissa – this is the definition of power. When you are in shock a single drop over your heart and inhaled will help on a level that even I don’t understand.
We have the tools and the ability to survive. Sometimes we just have to have faith in the universe or whoever you believe in that tomorrow may be a better day. For now I just have to keep making choices. I know I am safe, I know I can’t control the world and I know I have to let go and start facing the fear. I can survive but more importantly I can Thrive.